A million little Infinities

"...a side effect of dying. Almost everything is, really" - The Fault In Our Stars

This quote entranced me. Probably one that most won't be drawn to. But then again, not everyone has lived though what I've been through, what we've been through.

I first started reading The Fault In Our Stars because I was curious. Curious about why it captivated everyone. Curious because it was about two dying teenagers. Curious as I wanted to see if there were similarities to how I feel. 

Surprising yet not surprising, I didn't cry once. In fact, I was assuming that the side effect of cancer, the side effect of dying, the side effect of this book would leave me awe-inspired. But I was wrong. 

After your death, after my near drowning, nothing compares. I have already lived and survived a fate worse than death. I have my whole life to suffer the consequences, while Hazel and Augustus will feel relief. 

But as Hazel says in the book, "I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful". Michael, I am so grateful.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Devotion

To sorrow

To heartache

To loneliness

To me

To my conqueror 

To you

To selflessness

To loyalty

To devotion

To the 20th

To the holidays

To life

To action

To every day

To love

No fears and limitless, MHF

In the midst of it all

Michael, it has been exactly 1 month. Only 22 days remain.

Being in Florida, I thought that this would be the hardest year. But all I've felt is nothing. And honestly, I am not too surprised.

The past 4 years have brought many ups, downs, highs, and lows. In a million years, I didn't think that this is where I would be. Yet, this is where I am. And this is where I will remain.

You remain with me. Our souls are so interconnected and intertwined that you are a part of me. I've always known this but I am just discovering this fact. A fact that I wouldn't have learned if I had never moved to Florida.

Looking back, I uncovered a quote from my post on February 12, 2013:
"In my third life, after giving up everything, I make the second biggest decision of my life: I move. Florida, being both healing and inspiring, is my destination. Whether or not I get into graduate school, whether or not I find a job, whether or not I find you, I may just find myself. Feeling lost, overwhelmed, and confused, this move is key. I need to find me, find the person that I am to become. For finding myself might lead me to my captivator, finding myself might lead me to finding our twin connection, finding myself might lead me to finding you within me, finding myself just might lead me to the life that is waiting for me, a life filled of sparkle and glitter. "

While not all of this came true, most did. I honestly thought Florida was going to be a mistake. Even in the beginning, I doubted my decision. I am glad that I stayed. For not only am I finding the you within me but I am finding myself - a gift that you have given me.

No fears and fearless, MHF