Dusty

Michael, I let myself crack. I am losing you, losing us, losing everything that we had, losing every part of who I am. I wish I could say that I'm fighting. Fighting to keep me alive, fighting to keep the memory of you. Instead, I am running. I'm letting the crack get bigger until there is no hope. I wish I could stay strong but at some point even the strongest of metals breaks. I just know that this breaking point is also my melting point.

Moving forward is too hard and painful. I know you could have done it. You would have fought so hard for me, for us. You were always the stronger one. I am sorry to fail you. But, for now, it is just easier to run away and try to forget everything. Because of our intertwined souls, I know that you'll understand. I'll eventually be ready and come back to conquer the dust that has settled. I promise that I'll be back.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Everything

Michael, as I settle into my new life I cannot help but cling to the past; the past that you and I created together, the past that created a safe and beautiful future. But clinging to the past is only making life more difficult. As I come across new endeavors, I retrieve my strength from the past and the future that we envisioned. I am holding onto a life that will never, ever happen.

I knew that moving to Florida would not be easy, in fact, that is one of the main reasons why I wanted to move here. I knew that in order for me to grow professionally and personally, I needed to face my fears, needed to start over, needed to feel you again. Since I lost you in Michigan, I knew that you had to be waiting for me in Florida. I just had a feeling that Florida was the answer that I had been waiting for.

I was both right and wrong.

I need to be in Florida in order to move forward but no one told me that moving forward was going to be this hard and lonesome. My every thought and sleepless nights are plagued with feelings of guilt, hurt, and longing. I cry myself to sleep and torture myself during the day all the while I put on a facade. For no one knows of my true pain. No one knows that I am just now starting to grieve the loss of you.

Despite it all, Michael, I am having the time of my life. With a new job along with my new found friends, I am learning that I am not alone in the world. For the longest time I have struggled with finding others as deep as us. I almost gave up hope. But everyone that I have met seem to be honest, open, and looking for a deeper connection. It is refreshing as I feel like I finally fit in. But at the same time, I am scared. What happens if I accidentally replace you with one of them? What happens when I lose sight of us? What happens when you are truly gone from my life?

Clinging to the past is where I find my peace. Reliving each wonderful memory stirs me up until I can feel whole again, until I feel the you in me. And in those moments all I can think is that...

No fears and limitless, MHF

It Happened Again

Shocked at first, I should have known, should not have been as surprised. It was bound to happen again.

Michael, it happened around the same time as when we went to the beach that fateful day. I had a few drinks just like the day you died, except this time I was frozen in place. For the life of me, I watched the events unfold as opposed to trying to help.

One moment dad and I were enjoying our time together, sitting by a dock on the inlet and the next second, I was thrown into a state of panic and anger. There were three children all around the age of 7 or 8 playing on the dock. One minute they were safe and the next, one had fallen into the ocean. Without pause, a lone ranger dove into the water and rescued him. Scared more than anything, the little boy was saved. Upon seeing the commotion, his family finally came rushing onto the scene. Scared and worried themselves, the little boys' mom scolded him for falling in- like it was his fault, like he wanted to fall in and almost lose his life. I literally had to bite my tongue not to yell at his parents for being so irresponsible. Instead, I sat and watched letting my anger and bitterness build.

Dad had tears in his eyes as we let the scene sink in. I just sat there realizing that the half drink I had already consumed made me tipsy, almost to the point of being drunk. I was drunk the day you died and I was almost drunk the day this little boy almost died. One difference remained: I instantly became sober, realizing we were stuck in a rip tide and knew what I had to do. I instantly realized the effect of the alcohol that I had consumed when I saw that little boy come up from struggling in the water.

Thinking back on that day, I know that it is situations similar to those that will make me grow and open up about you, about the last day we shared together, and about the loss and pain that I will have to face for the rest of my life. Despite all the anger and underlying hurt, I still am looking forward to being reconnected to the ocean as it holds a special place in my heart.

No fears and limitless, MHF