No fears and limitless, MHF
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Sinister
Lately I've been having nightmares. I switch back and forth between two. Both revolve around you. Both deal with the fact that I survived. Both are about no one understanding the pain I have endured. In both dreams, I end up unharmed and alone. Alone yet unharmed.
I know that the holiday season is always tough for me but I couldn't figure it out. Why was I having all those nightmares? Why have I been crying almost everyday? Why have I been losing my breathe with every thought of you? Why have I lost all of my motivation?
12-12-12
Michael, you died March 12, 2010. The 12th has huge significance for me. The first year, I would relive your death on the 12th of every month. Now, I am often hit hard with pain, guilt, and loss on the 12th but not of every month. It often sneaks up on me, leaving me in a state of depression for a week.
I wasn't hit with the reason for my drought of happiness until last night when I finally realized the date. Triple whamming. Subconsciously, I knew. I knew that 12-12-12 was approaching. I prepared myself by building up my walls, shutting off, shutting down, and torturing myself in every way possible. For my life is now a journey, a journey without you.
I know that the holiday season is always tough for me but I couldn't figure it out. Why was I having all those nightmares? Why have I been crying almost everyday? Why have I been losing my breathe with every thought of you? Why have I lost all of my motivation?
12-12-12
Michael, you died March 12, 2010. The 12th has huge significance for me. The first year, I would relive your death on the 12th of every month. Now, I am often hit hard with pain, guilt, and loss on the 12th but not of every month. It often sneaks up on me, leaving me in a state of depression for a week.
I wasn't hit with the reason for my drought of happiness until last night when I finally realized the date. Triple whamming. Subconsciously, I knew. I knew that 12-12-12 was approaching. I prepared myself by building up my walls, shutting off, shutting down, and torturing myself in every way possible. For my life is now a journey, a journey without you.
No fears and limitless, MHF
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Just Love
Michael, when we were both in the water I knew. I knew that we were caught in a rip tide. I knew that I couldn't swim towards you. I knew that I had to swim parallel to shore until I could no longer breathe then have the waves bring me in. I knew that I had to save myself first. I knew that in those moments I could only think of you, love you, wish for the best.
Since you died, my love has grown. For it is my love for you that keeps me alive. It is love that has sustained me.
And it is the love of another that I crave so desperately.
......
No fears and limitless, MHF
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