Hallelujah

Grandma has died. But maybe you already know that. I'm not sure if I believe in Heaven but maybe your two souls have already connected. If they have, I am glad. I know you and Grandma had a special bond. 

Death always has a way with humbling me even more. No matter the circumstance, death is never easy to deal with. I know that it's part of life, but it's a part of life that never gets easier. 

With the death of Grandma, I immediately think of you. Feelings of intensely missing you have come fleeting back to me. It's as if you just died yesterday instead of 10.5 years ago. While my life has moments of being "normal", it will never be the same without you in it. I hope you know that.

As ashamed that I am to admit this, I am jealous of Grandma. She lived a long, full, and loving life. She was ready to leave this earth. But most importantly, I know in some way she is with you. Despite everything that I've overcome and have accomplished in life, being with you is still where I want to be the most.

Of course, writing those words automatically makes me feel guilty. With little Richard Michael on the way, I know that I have many more years to live my life. I don't want him to ever feel like I don't want to live. He is such a blessing, and I know in my heart that both him and my husband will keep me going. They will be my rock during these difficult times. But at the same time I cannot lie to myself, I don't know if it would ever be too early to leave this earth.

Until then, I'll be connecting with you, Grandma, and all of our loved ones through one of my favorite songs: 

No fears and limitless, MHF.

The Time Has Come

Michael, it has almost been three years since I've written to you. While these writing sessions always make me feel close to you, I've found that I'm incorporating you into my life in other ways that seem so natural. It's almost as if we are truly so close that we are one. 

In my last post, I was coming to terms with soulmates and everlasting love. I was convinced that I had one more soulmate out there in the world. Not knowing how long I would have to wait, I vowed to you that I would be patient.

That patience has paid off. I met the man that I'm supposed to spend my life with. In fact, we're now married, but you already know that because you were there. Almost 10 years to the day that we were last alive together, I married my husband in almost the same exact spot in Florida. Even though you physically weren't there, you were there in spirit. I know you were there watching over us that day, and will continue to watch over us. 

It's interesting how my trauma creeps in during those big life moments that you're supposed to be here for. Depending on the moment affects how the trauma triggers me. For instance, in Florida before I was getting married, I wasn't sad. I was confident in my decision and knew that Florida was the only place I could get married. Any other place, I would have been a wreck. It wouldn't have felt right. But Florida is my place, our place.

Other big life moments have crept in over the last few months, and it has triggered my trauma in a way that has produced anxiety. This anxiety has overcome my thoughts with feelings of loss. What happens if I lose someone I love unexpectedly again? Can I survive that? I honestly don't know. It will take my entire life to survive the loss of you, but will I be okay if I lose another loved one? 

Loss is part of living. You can't have joy without sorrow, and I know that I will experience plenty more loss in my life. I only hope that this time, I am able to say goodbye before losing them. 

Until then, I will try to keep these feelings of unexpected loss at bay and focus on the positive. 

No fears and limitless, MHF. 

The Time Is Now

Michael, honestly I'm starting to write this post and have no idea how to say this.

You and I both know what it feels like to have a soulmate.

Growing up in a native world. I thought that soulmates were a once in a lifetime experience. Yes, I've had connections with people before, but I thought that the person that you were supposed to end up with was a soulmate. And I thought that a soulmate was a once in a lifetime experience.

To me, a soulmate is how you define love. With a soulmate, you have a connection and love that never wavers. Through thick and thin, you always have a partner.

Between you and my conquerer, you both had my heart and my entire soul. To me, you both were it. I know that in that in this lifetime, you only get a few soulmates. And to be perfectly honest, Michael, if you and my conquerer were the only two that I ever truly experience, I would be perfectly fine with that.

But then something happened. Both of my soulmates moved on without me. While you were taken with a force, my other soulmate slowly realized that he wasn't ready. He moved on much earlier than me and now has an entire life of his own.

But to be honest, I'm happy for you both. Michael, you don't have to see or experience the harshness of life. You are blessed with being naive and only knowing the life you had. And while I used to envy that, I know that I wouldn't be me without all of my experiences. As for my conquerer, he has had a much more complete life than I could have ever imaged. Seeing love and war, I can only imagine the life that he has to see and overcome. While I know that you are gone, Michael, I know that my conquerer has to still live his life fully. I still have to live my life fully.

In the past seven years, I have come to learn that soulmates aren't just one person. They can be a few individuals who make a profound impact. To me, a soulmate is someone that you love no matter what. For you will always be connected to them.

And while I used to think that I would only get two in my lifetime, I was mistaken. While I've had two who randomly enter my life and find me, I also know that I have at least one more out there. While he might not be as easy to find or to open up to, I know that I have another person out there who understands my soul.

And even though the process may be long, I can promise this: to the best of my ability, I will be open, straightforward and myself. For this is the only way that I can find my other soulmate, the one that I'm supposed to spend my life with. I only hope that he is patient and understanding of me.

From now on, I will truly try to live with no fears and limitless, MHF.

Time Provides A Band-Aid, Nothing More

Time heals all wounds, well it's supposed to but it doesn't. Instead, time has provided me with a band-aid that falls off pretty frequently.

While I admit that my band-aid can stay on for several months, in the blink of an eye and with no warning at all, my band-aid falls off. Leaving me with no sense of security or protection, my wound becomes infected with thoughts of you, Michael.

Going back to that fateful day, my thoughts and heart become solely focused on you and the life that we could have lived together. For if you didn't die, where would we be today? Where would we live? Where would we work? Who would we be as people? How would my life be different if you hadn't died? I could sit here and fantasize but I will never know. No one will ever know.

And in my weakest of moments, when my wound is squeezed tight with the emotions of losing you, I can't help but succumb to you. Dragged into some very dark thoughts, it's then when I don't think life is worth living. I know, Michael. I know that you would want me to live my life for the both of us, but some days I just can't. Do you know what it's like to lose your other half? Your soul mate? No, no you don't. And you never will.

While you're at peace, I'm struggling to be happy. I'm struggling to keep my heart from breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. I'm struggling not to break down and cry. I'm struggling to not miss you every second of every day. I'm struggling to live life for you. I struggle with all aspects of life. And I know that my struggles will never end .... 

And just when I think that I can't handle anymore, my band-aid appears and I'm momentarily saved. 

So while people often think that time heals all wounds, they are mistaken. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Time just provides a band-aid, nothing more.

No fears and limitless, MHF.

Need You Now

"Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"

- Need You Now, Lady Antebellum

Michael, this song was once dedicated to you. In fact, I know I've written to you in my dark days about this song. For it encapsulates the love that I have for you and our connection. I don't know how many times I've thought to myself that "I need Michael now", and I know that I will have many more of those moments. I know that I will have them until the day that I die. 

But something has changed,

On my drive home tonight, that song turned on the radio. And while it affected me, it didn't affect me like it has in the past. Usually, thoughts of you flooded my mind and tears instantly formed in my eyes, but that didn't happen tonight. 

Tonight, I've thought of a guy who has been separated from me for two weeks. While I know that time span seems like it's nothing, it has in fact felt like an eternity. For in the few months that I've known him, he has become someone that I treasure. Honestly, up until this point in my life, I never knew that I could feel this way for another human being. I know that it sounds clique, but even in the moments that I've felt love, nothing has compared to this separation.

To be honest, it scared me at first. It still scares me. For in my mind and heart, I don't want anyone else to see me the way that you have, Michael. But if I really want to find my life partner, I have to show him all of me.

Given our history, I've known that this path to love wouldn't be easy. I knew that I would struggle, try to sabotage it, and walk away, but at the end of the day, I can't. No matter how much I want to pursue our connection, I have to open myself up. Unfortunately, you can't be the only person who sees my soul. 

This isn't easy for me to type or even to admit, but it's the truth. And I know that if you were alive, you would want me to give up the hold that you have on my heart. If you were alive, this would be a million times easier. But you aren't, and I have to finally face and deal with the decisions that I've made and come to terms with what life has thrown at me. At the end of the day, no matter who holds my heart I want you to know that I am and always will be yours. You are my soulmate, you are my everything, you are me.

I love you, Michael.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Joy & Sorrow: An Inseparable Mix

It wasn't until this very moment in time where I truly feel the impact and meaning of one of my favorites quotes:

"The deeper that sorrow craves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

~ Kahlil Gibran, On Joy and Sorrow

Michael, losing you nearly killed me. Both literally and figuratively. While there have been many times where I wished that it had, today I feel the true impact of sorrow and the ramifications of losing you, my soul mate. Instead of feeling intense sorrow and heart wrenching pain, I feel the power and strength of my love. 

While I find myself in the same position as I was in six years ago, today it just feels different. Six years ago, I met someone who quickly stole my heart. Without knowing how, why, or when, I was captivated. Holding me as his prisoner, when he left for a year long deployment in Afghanistan, all I could think about was how much I would miss him and what would happen to me if he died. For in those short months before he left, he turned into you Michael. I honestly think that's why I held onto him for all those years. Yes, he was my captivator and we shared a deep, intimate connection but I had turned him into you. And I didn't want to lose you for a second time.

Today, I said goodbye to someone who means a lot to me. While he will only be gone for a month in Latvia, all I can think about is the life that we will be starting together upon his return. For in the few short months that we've known each other, he has turned into someone who means a lot to me. Yes, I will miss him more than words can describe but it's in my moments of missing him where I can feel just how much love I am capable of feeling and having for another human being. 

And it's this new level of love that is very bittersweet. For I know that if I didn't lose you, Michael, I wouldn't be capable of this level of emotional intimacy. So you see, you're the sorrow that cut me so very deeply. Once hurt, raw, and empty, I now know that the loss of you has given me a gift, a gift of feeling joy and happiness like I've never felt before. It's in this moment, where I thank you. While I will always wish that you survived, I thank you for allowing me to love another person as deeply as I loved you. 

No fears and limitless, MHF.

Kryptonate

You are my kryptonate. Since I seem to always find a way to survive, even the toughest of situations and circumstances, I am superman and you are my kryptonate.

While I never like being superman, it's times that I feel connected to you that make that status so much more bearable. Oftentimes I get lost in the loss of you, but when I feel your presence, I can't help but feel inspired. And that inspiration fuels me for months and even years.

Don't get me wrong, I do get lost in the loss of you and I do often feel that loss and hurt very easily. But when I have my moments of you, it's one-thousand percent worth it. And ironically, it's in my moments of life (and love) when I feel as if I moved on, when I really feel connected to you. It's also in those moments of "giving up" when I feel your presence and when you "come to me".

I don't know why I doubt our connection, but when I feel these moments, I get confirmation that we are always and will always be on the same page. You once told me that love is a connection that never dies, and the more I see and learn, the more I truly understand that. Wise beyond your years, you give me hope for life and love.

You are my soulmate (in more ways than one) and I will never lose that.

No fears and limitless, MHF